You know when all you feel like doing is crying but you can’t stop smiling. I think that’s what giving up looks like, I think that’s when you know you’re on your own.
I can’t seem to lift myself up this time. I’m trying so hard to be happy but it’s hard when I’m constantly reminded that no one wants me. Everyone is telling me to be patient and when I least expect it, some one will come and take my breathe away but they don’t understand that I have been alone for nineteen years and I really believe I’m waiting for something that’s not coming. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve focused on my own happiness this whole year and I’ve brushed off the rejections that come so frequently. I just don’t have anything left to give, it physically feels as if my throat is constricting and my voice comes out strangled when I speak. My eyes are dull and I am exhausted. I need the part of me that’s missing, else I fear I will cease to exist. There’s only so long I can pretend to be content.
You’re just another boy I don’t know. With empty words and a deadly smile.
I am not okay. I couldn’t stop crying yesterday and I woke up with cold sweats this morning. I let the dog outside and just stood in the rain, not moving, just trying to feel something other than this. The only time I’ve spoken in the last 15 hours was a mumbled hi to my sister. The hurt comes not in waves but tsunamis and I am like sandstone being eroded away. I am breaking and I’ve run out of ways to keep myself together.
I am so lonely
And everyone around me knows it
But they reassure me
And they try so hard
And I smile
But the smile is for them
For them to feel like they helped
For them to think I’m fine
For them to stop telling me I’m not alone
Because they know I am.
I can’t remember the last time I smiled for me.